All-Time Favorite Chinese City: Xi'an!

By now, you all know that studying abroad in China has been hard for me. Of course I am grateful for the opportunity to live and study here, but that doesn’t make the emotional and cultural challenges I face any easier to deal with. Constantly being stared at and touched, having photos taken of me, not being understood,… it has taken a toll on my emotional and mental well-being. I have been in desperate need of positive affirmation and inspiration. It’s difficult to churn out positive, upbeat posts on my blog when I, myself, am not truly feeling it. It would feel fake for me to publish and share inauthentic positivity with you all. But, I’m happy to report, that today is a new day and I just couldn’t wait to wake up this morning and share my beautiful experience in Xi’an!

DAY 1: THURSDAY

Settling in, Xi’an City Wall, and Chinese Labor Day

This past weekend was China’s Labor Day break. Students had off from school and most employees were allowed a day off from work, so the cities were packed with Chinese and foreign tourists alike as we all scattered to make our holidays worthwhile. I, for one, had planned a trip to Xi’an with my travel companion, Ann-Lyssa. We left from Shanghai on Wednesday evening and arrived Thursday morning after a particularly noisy and grueling ten-hour train ride. At first, I wondered if the rest of the trip would take on the theme of the less than comfortable ride, but by the time we arrived at our hotel: Citadines Gaoxin Xi’an, my worries were forgotten. The hotel was absolutely beautiful and the members of the staff were incredibly gracious and respectful. I was particularly pleased because I’d found a wonderful deal online using Hotels.com (the only online hotel site I trust) that would allow my friend and I to only pay $22.50/night each. It was a real bargain considering that the hotel’s price was typically upwards of $120/night! Besides the aesthetic and overall welcoming feeling of the hotel itself, it was located right across the street from a strip of chic, affordable restaurants. I couldn’t be happier with how things turned out.

Thursday afternoon, my companion and I decided to visit the City Wall of Xi’an. Located around the city center, the City Wall features four main gates: North (Anding Gate), East (Yongning Gate), South (Changle Gate), and West (Anyuan Gate). The wall stands as one of the largest ancient military defensive systems in the world as well as one of the best preserved Chinese city walls. Around it are beautiful gardens filled with families and older people enjoying strolls and playing games together.

Built during the Ming Dynasty (1370), the nine mile long structure can be biked in two hours. Ann-Lyssa and I decided to rent a tandem bicycle. It was so much fun and totally worth the photo opp! We rented it for 190 RMB. The 100 RMB was only given as an insurance for the bikes so that in the event that it gets damaged, the 100RMB would cover it. We were returned the 100RMB once we returned the bike. So, if you think about it, we both paid 45RMB, which translates roughly to $7.00. Not a bad price at all!

As we were biking, sunset fell and it was absolutely stunning!!

We were exhausted after returning our bikes so we decided to explore the city area around the wall and what a sight it was! Xi’an was completely lit up! There were lights on the trees and in the parks. The buildings’ lights featured interesting designs and cool color pops. I could not get enough of it! As we were trying to find the bus back to our hotel (which only cost 1RMB), we happened upon an artful street demonstration. We learned that it was an intricate dance to celebrate the Chinese Labor Day. The music was upbeat and the smiles on the dancers’ faces were heartwarming (please feel free to check out my Instagram story highlight for Xi’an to get a glimpse of the performance).

One thing that really strikes me as beautiful about the Chinese culture is the pride the people take in their country’s traditions. The dancers were not professionals. It was obvious that they were well-intentioned civilians simply celebrating the holiday together. Men and women alike, old and young, smiled and laughed with one another as they danced and drew a crowd of awed spectators. I danced along to the beat of the music and several Chinese people in the audience glanced over to smile at me. They knew that I wasn’t mocking the music or being disrespectful. Without using words, an understanding passed between us that I had developed an appreciation for their culture and simply wanted to be a part of it, even if just for a moment.

Soon though, it was time leave so that we could rest up for the busy day we had scheduled for Friday. We were going to see the Terracotta Warriors!!!

Day 2: FRIDAY

Terracotta Warriors, Huaqing Palace, and the Giant Wild Goose Pagoda

Our private tour guide picked us up from our hotel at 7:00 in the morning and drove us to the Terracotta Warrior site. On the way there we passed by beautiful, green mountains that reminded me so much of the Caribbean landscape on my family’s island: St. Martin. I may or may not have gotten a little emotional, lol.

Upon arriving, the place was packed with a frenzy of tourists from all over China. In fact, now that I think of it, I didn’t see another Westerner during my time in Xi’an. As we maneuvered to the front of the pack to get a good photo of the warriors, Ann-Lyssa’s braids kept getting touched and both of us were gawked at. I know, I know… they’re just curious. But I draw the line at touching. Other than that, the trip to see the warriors was fun.

After seeing them, we took a ten-minute ride to visit Huaqing Palace. With an entrance fee of 120RMB, it was slightly expensive to visit the Hot Springs. Though it was beautiful, I think a 50-80RMB fee is more reasonable. But, if you’re visiting the warriors and/or are a history buff, the palace is worth a visit. Though used by multiple emperors and officials, it is most known for its representation of Tang Emperor Xuanzong’s love for his concubine (who also happened to be his daughter-in-law) Yang Yuhuan. Spicy!

The Giant Wild Goose Pagoda was next on our tour. A holy place for Buddhists, monks continue to live on the grounds in their own private quarters to this day. Seven stories high, the pagoda was built to house the Buddhist materials brought from India by hierarch Xuanzang. Rich with religious history and a cheap entrance fee of 40RMB, the pagoda is a definite must-see. One thing that I can’t help mentioning is how the pagoda got its name. After a little research, I found out that the monks that lived there centuries ago had prayed to their god for some meat to eat, and just as they had finished their prayer, a fleet of geese flew above them. The head of the group of geese fell from the sky and landed right at their feet—dead. From that day forward, the monks chose a plant-based diet because seeing such a beautiful creature die for their own wants was too much of a sacrifice of life. Interesting, huh?

Another thing about the pagoda, I especially enjoyed the neighborhood it is located in. Near it, beautiful squares, gardens, and parks can easily be found—with the North Square being one of the most entertaining as it features the largest musical fountain in Asia (another post that is available in my Instagram story highlight reel).

We were exhausted by the end of our tour. The next day was full of promise though because I’d planned a solo trip to the Muslim Quarter and Bell Tower. I took a shower, washed my hair (which was a process, ugh), and fell fast asleep.

Day 3: SATURDAY

Muslim Quarter, Bell Tower, and… Getting Lost?!

By morning, my hair wasn’t dry (big surprise *sigh*) so I wrapped a pretty headscarf over it and started my day. The easiest way to get to the Muslim Quarter and Bell Tower is by purchasing a single ride train ticket (3RMB) on metro line 2 and disembarking at the Bell Tower Station. I emerged from the wrong exit once I got off at that station and asked some ladies near me to point me in the direction of the Muslim Quarter. They mentioned they were heading that way and motioned for me to follow them. It was then that I noticed that they, too, were wearing headscarves. I immediately understood that they were members of the quarter’s community. One of them turned to me and asked if I was Muslim, I responded, “No,” and she just smiled. Later, she pulled out her phone and, instinctively, I knew that she wanted to take a photo with me, but strangely enough I didn’t say no and I didn’t duck. I leaned over and took the photo with her. What compelled me to bring down my barriers and do this… I don’t know. What I do know though is that I didn’t feel like an oddity or like a zoo animal in this woman’s presence. Though our headscarves were fulfilling completely different purposes, she’d recognized mine as a similarity— a bridge between us. I truly appreciated that.

Once we arrived at the Muslim Quarter, the ladies left me to explore, but not without first smiling at me sweetly. The quarter was bustling with tourists and residents selling their goods. I was awestruck! No one stared at me or asked to take photos. Unintentionally, by wearing my head scarf that morning, I had introduced a certain level of solidarity with the Muslim community in the quarter. The residents smiled at me and offered lower prices for items or insisted I have them for free. Some nodded appreciatively in my direction while others graciously shared their food with me. I was treated better in the Muslim Quarter of Xi’an than I had been in Shanghai, Beijing, and, truthfully, some parts of the U.S. My smile—my genuine smile— started to creep back onto my face. My cheekbones hurt by the end of my visit.

I got a little hungry while I was there and noticed some young men selling Shish kebabs on thick sticks. I moseyed my way over and bought one. While I was waiting, an older woman came over and spoke with them. Judging how she kept her hands busy by fixing up their stand, it was apparent that they had a close, neighborly relationship. I thought it was sweet that she chided the young men for not taking care of their space and instead of having them fix it, did it herself. The sense of community in the Muslim Quarter is sincere and unlike anything I’d ever seen. You always read about communities helping each other, but in the States, I feel as though a theme of self-dependence dominates. I saw store owners lend items like calculators and give change to one another— no questions asked. There was an immediate assumption of trust and good will between the residents of the Muslim Quarter.

Next stop was the Bell Tower. Still on my high from the Muslim Quarter, I took a few moments to appreciate it. It was first built in 1384 and marks the city center of Xi’an (big tip: definitely make time to go see it in the evening. It has such beautiful lights!!).

After that, I contacted a high school friend from back home who I’d recently learned was from Xi’an. She insisted that I take some time to visit the neighborhood around the Giant Wild Goose Pagoda. Truthfully, I didn’t mind going back to see it again so I boarded a double-decker bus and headed off!

The day was magnificent. It was just warm enough with the right amount of wind to wick away any signs of perspiration— ideal for tourists like myself, scrambling to explore as much of the city as we could. I couldn’t imagine how the day could get any better or…. worse.

It wasn’t long until all the photos and videos I had been taking took their toll on my phone’s battery. I didn’t think anything of it given the fact that I had asked my hotel to write the address in Chinese characters on a small card for me to present taxi drivers with. It wasn’t until the taxis couldn’t route the directions to get back to my hotel that I started worrying. That, mixed with the language barrier, I was at a loss for what to do.

Here I was: a young, American, Black woman that doesn’t speak Chinese, lost in a city completely unfamiliar to her. I was panicked.

Come back to read my next blog post and find out how I survived!

But, What About My Friends?

Was coming to China the right decision?

Unlike the rest of my Global Bachelor’s Program (GBP) cohort, I learned that I had been admitted only a few months before departure rather than a full year.

The day was like any other. It had been tiresome. All I wanted to do was curl up with my best friend, eat her delicious, homemade pesto pasta, and binge-watch “Billions” (if you haven’t watched that show yet, you must!). So, that’s just what I did. As we watched I received a Gmail notification with “Global Bachelor’s Program” in the subject line. I dismissed it, figuring the Office for Study Abroad had made a mistake. I went back to watching our show. After it was over, we got started on some homework. I had been procrastinating for a while and knew it was time to get to it. But, first, I had to reorganize my emails, you know, just to ensure that they were in order, then maybe I’d clean my room, then grocery shop, haha you get my point. Before I could get to any of that, I SCREAMED, startling Ana. I HAD GOTTEN INTO GBP!!! Someone had dropped out so I was in off the wait list! I jumped off of my bed and ran over to hug my best friend, called my mom, hung up and called my dad (not realizing that he was right next to her in the same house...lol I was just too excited) I responded to the email in all caps, unprofessional I know, but I had been thinking about this program since I was a sophomore in high school and had given up all hope of getting in. I’ll give myself a break for not being professional in this case—my dream was coming true!

I had to take a moment to sit on my bed and think about how big of a deal this was for me. This whole situation was a literal 180 from my life just a year prior and the effect of that was still sore on my heart.

During my freshman year, I learned that I had not been accepted into GBP and, instead, placed on the wait list. I cried. I’m not ashamed of that, but it is difficult to admit because I am not a sore loser. I understood that the students who had gotten in absolutely deserved it, but I also knew that I did too. I’m not a crier, it takes a lot for me to crumble, but being in this program was something that I knew I needed. Not only to fulfill my traveler’s spirit, but because I knew in my heart of hearts that there was something good in this program for me. I didn’t know what it was but it was waiting for me on the other side of the world— in the destinations I would visit and the communities I would be a part of. I had received a calling and it was my duty to answer it. Surely, you can imagine why, after all that, finding out that I hadn’t been admitted was crushing. I allowed myself two days to wallow before getting up and reforming my vision for the rest of my college experience. The one saving grace of my misfortune was knowing that my friend also wouldn’t be participating in the program so at least we could room together for our sophomore year and live it up like I knew we could.

Once my excitement was under control, I took a moment to look up at my best friend. She was quiet and staring at her computer screen as if she were doing her readings, but I knew better. Ana is never quiet.

She was sad and I felt guilty. Guilty for not being more considerate about how I announced my acceptance into a program I knew she also wanted to be a part of. Guilty for leaving her midway through the semester. Guilty for knowing that I wouldn’t be able to be there for her in the way she needed.

I’m sure you’re wondering, “Is she serious? She just got the opportunity of a lifetime and she’s worried about leaving her friend for a few months? Does she not know that FaceTime exists?” Fair points. I’ll admit, I often asked myself those questions. This guilt was hindering me from allowing all the jittery excitement in me from fully emerging. Day by day, the fiery, sparkling joy at the pit of my belly dampened more and more. The “high” I was feeling had morphed into something almost melancholic.

You have to understand, after moving from New York to New England, making friends was extremely difficult for me. I am very outgoing and naturally optimistic; I guess that was too big of a package for the kids at my new school to accept. I kept to myself a lot, yearning for a best friend to be able to go on adventures with, laugh with, … I wanted someone who wanted to hang out together and who shared my zest for life. On top of all that, I was also being bullied. As a 10 year old, that is a lot to have to go through—though, unfortunately, not uncommon. So I wished and I wished and I prayed and I prayed.

When college finally rolled around, we spotted each other! We were both sitting in our World History class and I couldn’t help but cackle when she wouldn’t stop making jokes. What really sent me over the edge was when she left in the middle of class to get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and then returned to eat it in class. She saw me laughing and the rest is history. I knew we were destined to be friends after that. She’s quick-witted, no nonsense, a great cook, has the ability to make me cry from laughing too hard, and is definitely the kind of friend I have to warn to be nice to new people, lol. Apparently, it had been a similar story for her. Having a best friend was something she had also wanted for a long time and then I came into her life. Our duo was well-known in our social groups and we were always doing something ridiculous but now, because of me, we were going to be split up. Yeah, I felt guilty.

It was about even more than that though. Of course I would miss Ana, but I had also just started establishing myself at my university. I was becoming a more cemented character in my school’s Black and leadership communities, as well as our community service initiatives. I was really starting to make a name for myself— a name I am enormously proud of and grateful for. I met another amazing person who has since become a part of my core group of girl friends (so happy I met her!!). There were some cool freshmen I had befriended that I wanted the chance to get closer to. People I didn’t know knew me and that made me feel so good because it was proof that there were so many more relationships for me to form and grow. Needless to say, I definitely had a life on campus. A life that I would soon be abandoning— or at least that is how it felt at the time.

Really, I was going through a mix of emotions: guilt, frustration, and excitement with an unfortunate splash of mourning. Participating in GBP meant going to China for a semester and then participating in two more international experiences, whether it be two more semesters of study abroad, or just one more along with an international internship. Going to Shanghai and staying away from campus for at least one additional semester would put an abrupt stop to (or at least seriously slow down) continued growth with my on-campus community. I wanted friends and to be a part of a community for so long and now I finally had both, and yet the moment the chance to go to the other side of the world presented itself… I jumped at it? I was conflicted but, interestingly, not hesitant.

Not once did I consider rescinding my spot in the program. I knew that if I were given the chance to participate, I absolutely would. I just wanted to feel good about it.

Though my relationships with others are meaningful to me, my relationship with myself is even more important. That may sound selfish; let me explain:

Those friendless middle school days had fostered self-confidence issues that led to me not taking risks and, eventually, becoming full of regrets. I shortchanged myself in countless situations. From the small, like not introducing myself to people I thought were interesting. To the big, like not applying to a few of the prestigious high schools in my state. I assumed that I wasn’t good enough. Instead of learning to work harmoniously with my fear, I allowed it to debilitate me by allowing it to block me from pursuing opportunities that came my way.

After graduating high school, I said, “No more!” I have my own life to create and my own dreams to chase. I will do all I can to catch each and every one of them because I have promised myself that I will no longer let anything stop me from living the life I want. I can’t let myself be run by guilt, by too much consideration for others, and none for myself. I did that already and it hurt too much. Besides, a promise is a promise—especially one I make to myself. I refuse to break it.

Now look at me, standing on the Seventh Greatest Wonder of the World— The Great Wall of China!!! I can’t believe it. Really, it feels like a dream.

As others raced ahead of me, I had to take a moment to take in my surroundings and fully appreciate that I had done it. I kept the promise I made to myself and look at me now! I’m on top of the world! Why? Because of my resolve. Because I refused to allow my fears to take up any more of my life. Because I knew I deserved to be here.

China is helping me discover my strengths and weaknesses. It is challenging my identity and fortifying my resolve.

So now, after stepping away from my friends and community, I am at peace with my decision. Of course, some moments are harder than others, especially when I see or hear something I know they would be interested in. But that’s when apps like WeChat, Facebook, and Instagram come into play. I do my best stay in contact with my community back home and I find that it really helps, especially on the hard days—the days I don’t feel quite as happy as usual. I’ve been enjoying the back and forth of messaging each other and replying to one another’s stories. It’s so much fun for me because it makes me feel as if I am right there with them and they are right here with me, even though we’re an ocean apart. I love and miss my friends back home, but being able to communicate with them virtually makes the distance feel a little bit shorter.

As for Ana? I am confident that she and I will have a friendship that will last a lifetime. We message everyday about her wanting to go to Paris and Spain and about her new boyfriend. We FaceTime and talk about our dreams and aspirations, our future homes, and future jobs. We vent to each other nearly every week and the things she says always make me laugh. Yeah, Ana’s a keeper. I knew it all along.

I am looking forward to getting back on campus and contributing to the various clubs I am a part of with an even greater sense of spirit and adventure because of my experience abroad. Many of them will have grown and matured in their own right. Since being in Shanghai, I have stayed in contact with many of them and am so happy to hear about all the big changes in their lives: from running for student government, meeting famous people on campus, and starting their own clubs! We’ll definitely have a lot to catch each other up on!

China was the right decision.

• Did this post grab your attention? Have you studied abroad before and experienced similar fears? Did any thoughts come to your mind that you’d like to share?

Leave a comment below and share what you have to say! I want to hear it!

*Name has been changed to protect anonymity.