But, What About My Friends?

Was coming to China the right decision?

Unlike the rest of my Global Bachelor’s Program (GBP) cohort, I learned that I had been admitted only a few months before departure rather than a full year.

The day was like any other. It had been tiresome. All I wanted to do was curl up with my best friend, eat her delicious, homemade pesto pasta, and binge-watch “Billions” (if you haven’t watched that show yet, you must!). So, that’s just what I did. As we watched I received a Gmail notification with “Global Bachelor’s Program” in the subject line. I dismissed it, figuring the Office for Study Abroad had made a mistake. I went back to watching our show. After it was over, we got started on some homework. I had been procrastinating for a while and knew it was time to get to it. But, first, I had to reorganize my emails, you know, just to ensure that they were in order, then maybe I’d clean my room, then grocery shop, haha you get my point. Before I could get to any of that, I SCREAMED, startling Ana. I HAD GOTTEN INTO GBP!!! Someone had dropped out so I was in off the wait list! I jumped off of my bed and ran over to hug my best friend, called my mom, hung up and called my dad (not realizing that he was right next to her in the same house...lol I was just too excited) I responded to the email in all caps, unprofessional I know, but I had been thinking about this program since I was a sophomore in high school and had given up all hope of getting in. I’ll give myself a break for not being professional in this case—my dream was coming true!

I had to take a moment to sit on my bed and think about how big of a deal this was for me. This whole situation was a literal 180 from my life just a year prior and the effect of that was still sore on my heart.

During my freshman year, I learned that I had not been accepted into GBP and, instead, placed on the wait list. I cried. I’m not ashamed of that, but it is difficult to admit because I am not a sore loser. I understood that the students who had gotten in absolutely deserved it, but I also knew that I did too. I’m not a crier, it takes a lot for me to crumble, but being in this program was something that I knew I needed. Not only to fulfill my traveler’s spirit, but because I knew in my heart of hearts that there was something good in this program for me. I didn’t know what it was but it was waiting for me on the other side of the world— in the destinations I would visit and the communities I would be a part of. I had received a calling and it was my duty to answer it. Surely, you can imagine why, after all that, finding out that I hadn’t been admitted was crushing. I allowed myself two days to wallow before getting up and reforming my vision for the rest of my college experience. The one saving grace of my misfortune was knowing that my friend also wouldn’t be participating in the program so at least we could room together for our sophomore year and live it up like I knew we could.

Once my excitement was under control, I took a moment to look up at my best friend. She was quiet and staring at her computer screen as if she were doing her readings, but I knew better. Ana is never quiet.

She was sad and I felt guilty. Guilty for not being more considerate about how I announced my acceptance into a program I knew she also wanted to be a part of. Guilty for leaving her midway through the semester. Guilty for knowing that I wouldn’t be able to be there for her in the way she needed.

I’m sure you’re wondering, “Is she serious? She just got the opportunity of a lifetime and she’s worried about leaving her friend for a few months? Does she not know that FaceTime exists?” Fair points. I’ll admit, I often asked myself those questions. This guilt was hindering me from allowing all the jittery excitement in me from fully emerging. Day by day, the fiery, sparkling joy at the pit of my belly dampened more and more. The “high” I was feeling had morphed into something almost melancholic.

You have to understand, after moving from New York to New England, making friends was extremely difficult for me. I am very outgoing and naturally optimistic; I guess that was too big of a package for the kids at my new school to accept. I kept to myself a lot, yearning for a best friend to be able to go on adventures with, laugh with, … I wanted someone who wanted to hang out together and who shared my zest for life. On top of all that, I was also being bullied. As a 10 year old, that is a lot to have to go through—though, unfortunately, not uncommon. So I wished and I wished and I prayed and I prayed.

When college finally rolled around, we spotted each other! We were both sitting in our World History class and I couldn’t help but cackle when she wouldn’t stop making jokes. What really sent me over the edge was when she left in the middle of class to get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and then returned to eat it in class. She saw me laughing and the rest is history. I knew we were destined to be friends after that. She’s quick-witted, no nonsense, a great cook, has the ability to make me cry from laughing too hard, and is definitely the kind of friend I have to warn to be nice to new people, lol. Apparently, it had been a similar story for her. Having a best friend was something she had also wanted for a long time and then I came into her life. Our duo was well-known in our social groups and we were always doing something ridiculous but now, because of me, we were going to be split up. Yeah, I felt guilty.

It was about even more than that though. Of course I would miss Ana, but I had also just started establishing myself at my university. I was becoming a more cemented character in my school’s Black and leadership communities, as well as our community service initiatives. I was really starting to make a name for myself— a name I am enormously proud of and grateful for. I met another amazing person who has since become a part of my core group of girl friends (so happy I met her!!). There were some cool freshmen I had befriended that I wanted the chance to get closer to. People I didn’t know knew me and that made me feel so good because it was proof that there were so many more relationships for me to form and grow. Needless to say, I definitely had a life on campus. A life that I would soon be abandoning— or at least that is how it felt at the time.

Really, I was going through a mix of emotions: guilt, frustration, and excitement with an unfortunate splash of mourning. Participating in GBP meant going to China for a semester and then participating in two more international experiences, whether it be two more semesters of study abroad, or just one more along with an international internship. Going to Shanghai and staying away from campus for at least one additional semester would put an abrupt stop to (or at least seriously slow down) continued growth with my on-campus community. I wanted friends and to be a part of a community for so long and now I finally had both, and yet the moment the chance to go to the other side of the world presented itself… I jumped at it? I was conflicted but, interestingly, not hesitant.

Not once did I consider rescinding my spot in the program. I knew that if I were given the chance to participate, I absolutely would. I just wanted to feel good about it.

Though my relationships with others are meaningful to me, my relationship with myself is even more important. That may sound selfish; let me explain:

Those friendless middle school days had fostered self-confidence issues that led to me not taking risks and, eventually, becoming full of regrets. I shortchanged myself in countless situations. From the small, like not introducing myself to people I thought were interesting. To the big, like not applying to a few of the prestigious high schools in my state. I assumed that I wasn’t good enough. Instead of learning to work harmoniously with my fear, I allowed it to debilitate me by allowing it to block me from pursuing opportunities that came my way.

After graduating high school, I said, “No more!” I have my own life to create and my own dreams to chase. I will do all I can to catch each and every one of them because I have promised myself that I will no longer let anything stop me from living the life I want. I can’t let myself be run by guilt, by too much consideration for others, and none for myself. I did that already and it hurt too much. Besides, a promise is a promise—especially one I make to myself. I refuse to break it.

Now look at me, standing on the Seventh Greatest Wonder of the World— The Great Wall of China!!! I can’t believe it. Really, it feels like a dream.

As others raced ahead of me, I had to take a moment to take in my surroundings and fully appreciate that I had done it. I kept the promise I made to myself and look at me now! I’m on top of the world! Why? Because of my resolve. Because I refused to allow my fears to take up any more of my life. Because I knew I deserved to be here.

China is helping me discover my strengths and weaknesses. It is challenging my identity and fortifying my resolve.

So now, after stepping away from my friends and community, I am at peace with my decision. Of course, some moments are harder than others, especially when I see or hear something I know they would be interested in. But that’s when apps like WeChat, Facebook, and Instagram come into play. I do my best stay in contact with my community back home and I find that it really helps, especially on the hard days—the days I don’t feel quite as happy as usual. I’ve been enjoying the back and forth of messaging each other and replying to one another’s stories. It’s so much fun for me because it makes me feel as if I am right there with them and they are right here with me, even though we’re an ocean apart. I love and miss my friends back home, but being able to communicate with them virtually makes the distance feel a little bit shorter.

As for Ana? I am confident that she and I will have a friendship that will last a lifetime. We message everyday about her wanting to go to Paris and Spain and about her new boyfriend. We FaceTime and talk about our dreams and aspirations, our future homes, and future jobs. We vent to each other nearly every week and the things she says always make me laugh. Yeah, Ana’s a keeper. I knew it all along.

I am looking forward to getting back on campus and contributing to the various clubs I am a part of with an even greater sense of spirit and adventure because of my experience abroad. Many of them will have grown and matured in their own right. Since being in Shanghai, I have stayed in contact with many of them and am so happy to hear about all the big changes in their lives: from running for student government, meeting famous people on campus, and starting their own clubs! We’ll definitely have a lot to catch each other up on!

China was the right decision.

• Did this post grab your attention? Have you studied abroad before and experienced similar fears? Did any thoughts come to your mind that you’d like to share?

Leave a comment below and share what you have to say! I want to hear it!

*Name has been changed to protect anonymity.