20 lessons i've learned in 20 years of life.
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It has been a little less than a month since I turned twenty years old. Isn’t that crazy? I’m not a teenager anymore; I also certainly don’t feel like an adult. You could say that it’s a strange spot to be in and one that demands a certain amount of reflection.
If you’re close to me, then you know that I like to ponder big questions about life. What better time to do that than during big life events… like a birthday?! Every birthday I have, I take a moment to reflect on what the year brought me. What experiences did I have? What connections were forged? What mistakes did I make (ugh… always so many)? Most importantly, what lessons did I learn? Well, since starting my blog, I think it is high time that I start sharing those lessons with you so that perhaps you can get a jump start and not have to make the same wrong turns I did.
Before jumping in though, I want to be sure to say that by NO MEANS do I have it all figured it out. I have so many questions and doubts and worries. But, all I can do is take it day by day and not repeat the wrongs of my past.
So, without further ado:
There is no harm in trying
Woulda, coulda, shoulda’s are so last decade. If you feel compelled to try your hand at something, do it. The moment you start overthinking it or allowing others’ judgments to cloud your own, you’re on the losing end. Don’t make the mistake of second-guessing your gut feelings. It’s a dangerous habit to form. Trust your gut and what it urges you to do.
Learning to communicate effectively is the best superpower there is
Not everyone ingests information in the same way, so it makes sense for there to be different forms of communication. It gives us all the incentive to learn how to communicate more effectively so that we can better connect with others and form more meaningful relationships.
Put your fear to the side
From the time that I was a little girl, my mom has always told me: “Alexa, don’t put your fear in front of you. It will stop you from pursuing the things that you want. I also don’t want you putting your fear behind you because then you will start making foolish choices. Instead, Alexa, put your fear to the side of you, where you can converse with it and make responsible decisions without being blocked.”
You know what they say, moms are always right.
There is no such thing as a “negative” emotion
All emotions deserve respect. Trying to force away the “bad ones” is a fruitless endeavor. All emotions have a purpose and reason for being invoked… and so they shouldn’t be deemed “negative”. Declaring an emotion “negative”, disempowers you because it persuades you to push it away instead of getting you to patiently hear its message. It’s how you deal with the emotion that is troublesome, not the emotion itself. That’s why perception is so important. A striking lesson I have learned is to shift my perception of uncomfortable emotions in a way that stops me from pushing them away and instead wills me to sit with them and listen to what they are trying to communicate. Trust me, you’ll feel more balanced once you figure this out.
Don’t ever allow others to make you second guess your identity
The only person with the authority to criticize, interrogate, or question your identity is y-o-u. You are Black enough. You are smart enough. You are beautiful enough. You are good enough. You are strong enough. In fact, you are more than enough.
Being “alone” and “lonely” are not the same thing
I learned this lesson in China this past spring semester. Learning to enjoy your own company and finding solace in it rather than apprehension is truly a gift. Often, when we’re young, we condition ourselves — typically through our friend groups — to believe that being alone means that we’re lonely. The truth is, you can be lonely when you’re with people too. When you take a moment to really think about it, it’s actually that joyous feeling of connection that we’re chasing. When we are with others that are good for us, we feel nourished, taken care of, and wanted. Well, what if I told you that it’s possible to feel those things when you’re on your own too? You can nourish, care for, and make yourself feel wanted. Once you learn how, you’ll feel all the more powerful because you’ll no longer be beholden to others to feel connected.
You are not in charge of other people’s comfort
I used to be so overly concerned with how my actions and words affected others that it began to inhibit my own self-expression. It became debilitating. I’m someone who loves to live life to the fullest and do what feels right in the moment. If I feel forced to second-guess every natural action that I want to make, I feel almost… suffocated. Soon, enough was enough. I began to realize that I was hurting myself by constantly considering others’ comfort above my own. No more. Now, I lead my life by living in the moment and refusing to put my well-being on the back burner. My rules had to shift a little. As long as I remain kind, respectful, and compassionate in how I interact with others, I do what I please and I feel all the better.
“It is not what is, it’s what people believe is that has behavioral consequences.”
- “Us and Them” , quote by Walker Connor
The “illusory truth effect” is the tendency to believe false information to be truthful after repeated exposure. The more you expose yourself to false truths, the higher the likelihood you will begin to believe them. Once you start believing something, especially when it is something that directly relates to you, you start to align your actions and perceptions with that belief. This can be positive or negative, but it is important that you are aware of it.
Not everyone deserves to hear your truth
Deserve. It’s a strong word. A lot of people think they deserve a lot of things… but you and you alone get to decide with whom you choose to share your truth. Your “truth” encompasses the parts of your being that are vulnerable spaces for you. Because they are vulnerable, they must be wisely guarded. Not everyone is rooting you on and even those that are, might not be in it for the long haul so, be mindful of who you reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings to.
Life only hands you lessons you are prepared to take on
This was a tough one to accept, but it’s incredibly true. All that you require to get over this hump in your life is already in your possession. It might require some fine-tuning or need to be redirected, but you have it. You are not hopeless. In fact, you’re just the opposite.
Working smart is the upgraded version of working hard
We need to shift our mindsets to understand that working hard may get us in the door, but working smart will keep us in the room. Whether this needs to translate to your finances, career, relationships, etc… is up to you, but I strongly suggest strategizing ways that you can start working smart. We all get tired of working hard after a while; don’t make life harder than it has to be.
Confidence and assertiveness are sexy skills to learn
In my opinion, being confident and assertive are two of the most attractive characteristics a person can have. Luckily for all of us, they are each skills that can be practiced and learned by anyone. Being timid, acting small, and not asserting your presence will get you no where. People won’t know that you are someone they should get to know, unless you show them.
There is logic in emotion
I have a crazy idea so hear me out. If our emotions are invoked based on our perception of a particular situation, then we are being directed to think of this situation in a particular way for a reason specific to us. I choose to use emotion as a roadmap of sorts to bring clarity to the struggles I face. How should I be thinking about this differently? What next steps will that mindset shift reveal for me? We feel what we feel for a reason. We will continue to feel what we feel until we become aware of that reason and use the logic that accompanies it to pursue next steps. Understanding that there is logic in emotion is empowering because it stops us from being led by our emotions and, instead, puts us in charge.
Friendship, relationship, whatever it is… don’t force it
This is a lesson I am still coming to terms with. I meet so many cool and intriguing people so, naturally, I reach out to them to form a connection so that I can learn from them and experience their company. Often enough, however, they don’t want to reciprocate. I’ve had to learn to stop taking that personally and instead, keep it moving.
“It is self-FULL to put yourself first, not selfish”
- Iyanla Vanzant
Don’t make someone else a thief of your time and resources. People only ask for what they believe you can give. If you keep allowing yourself to bend over backwards for them by fulfilling their requests, you are inadvertently making them thieves. Not cool. We have been conditioned to believe that we must always be serving others. But, if you are giving to others to the degree that you sacrifice your self, you are doing more harm than good. Be wonderful to yourself so that you can serve others better and with quality. Stop letting others steal what you need — especially when they don’t even know they’re doing it.
Naming what you feel is the first step
I think this lesson might be one of the most important on this list. There have been countless moments in my life where I was an emotional wreck and felt as though I were drowning in turmoil, only to be lifted out once I was able to decipher exactly what it was I was struggling with. Naming what I was feeling made it so much easier to deal with because it provided me with the resource I needed to move forward and seek out appropriate next steps. Think of it this way, the doctor needs to know your symptoms to be able to determine what you’re suffering from and give you the correct diagnosis and treatment plan. The same needs to be done for your emotions.
Honesty, without compassion, can be cruelty
Be mindful about your delivery when you share your opinion. It is good to be honest and forthright, but it can become abrasive when executed without compassion. Why hurt someone, especially without reason, when there is a kinder, equally direct, and clear way to make your point?
Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself, but long enough to spend it learning yourself.
Twenty years on this planet and I’m done spending it at war with myself. Instead of beating myself down about my shortcomings, I now prefer to spend my time figuring out their roots and reflecting on ways to turn them into strengths. I think back now on all that time in middle school and high school where the majority of what I saw in the mirror were a slew of imperfections — both externally and internally — and it hurts. I’m over making bad memories cause ain’t nobody got time for that.
You don’t need to have endured the worst of the worst to become the best
So many of us, myself included, have become attached to the idea that we need to have faced the worst of the worst to become the best of the best. I think of mega celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry and how they each endured terrible, abusive childhoods. I had come to believe in this myth that the amount of success we could attain had to directly correlate to the amount of hardship we’d been forced to endure. I don’t think that anymore. I don’t need huge hurts to create enough resilience in me to make me a warrior. I need to dive into the pain of all the little moments to be able to cultivate the courage I need to pursue my biggest dreams.
“You cannot judge people because they sin differently from you”
- Erykah Badu
Stop judging others for living their lives how they need to. I am still struggling with this one. In my head, I have the perfect life plan for all of my loved ones and when they do things that stray from that plan I have to force myself to remember that their lives are their own to live. They will make beautiful “mistakes“ and encounter lesson-filled “bumps” along their journeys. So, who am I to second-guess them or judge them? It is entirely unfair of me — and you — to assert negative opinions over them.
I’m sure that, as time passes, I will want to rethink or rephrase these lessons but, for now, I stand by them.